On his website Hemel Radia, creator of the well-loved blog “Manifesting and the Law of Attraction” and numerous teleseminars, asserts that, “the universe will provide as many perspectives as you ask and are open to, in response to our vibration alignment as determined by free will and choices.”

While there is some controversy and uncertainty about the effect of human thought processes and actions on the universe’s manifestation of our innermost desires, the impact of positive thought on motivation, goal setting, and positive outcome cannot be denied.  In order to change lifestyle circumstances, restart careers, attract new loves and opportunities and take control and master additions and dependence, it is important to combine positive thought with an open mentality and attitude. It is important to recognize that the universe’s plans for someone may take a different course than the path an individual feels he or she must walk.

Eliminate Negativity and Let the Universe Work in Your Favor

Keeping an optimistic and positive outlook is extremely important in maintaining the confidence and courage levels necessary to pursue new goals, cultivate new opportunities and avoid wallowing in self pity.  Eradicating a negative mentality through the use of “thought stopping techniques,” blocking unreasonable and unnecessary negativity, and focusing on more joyful thoughts helps maintain an upbeat and optimistic attitude.  However positive thinking alone is not sufficient to generate results, although it can be enough to spur determined individuals to serious action.

Never Remain Fixated on the Goal and Also Concentrate on the Process

Asking, “Why has this not happened yet?” or “When is this going to happen?” provokes harmful impatience, lack of confidence and disbelief in the final result.  Not only can these thoughts cause feelings of negativity, reckless impulsiveness and impatience, but also it distracts from the process of goal attainment, which often manifests itself in smaller signs of success and positive changes.   The universe is (at times) slow-moving and dream manifestation only occurs when the time is right and certain conditions are met.  Often circumstances are built up slowly, as the universe slowly progresses towards the goal in stages.  The final result is usually not immediately evident.  Expecting the goal to be reached in an unreasonable time span will only cripple the process of dream achievement with doubt and insecurity.  Keeping an open mind about both the time required and the result will help maintain confidence without putting undue stress or pressure on the individual.

Monogamy has not traditionally been a topic discussed at length around the dinner table; polygamy is regarded as being a far more interesting topic, as it is regarded in the West as being rather unusual, if not unsavory, behavior, and, of course, illegal. The word monogamy is defined as the state of being where an individual is involved with only one sexual partner at any given time, either within a marriage or just a loving relationship. In modern times the word is perhaps understood to mean specifically, marital monogamy – having only one wife or husband at a time.

There are two main forms of monogamy: social monogamy and genetic monogamy. Social monogamy relates to any two individuals or creatures that live together, have sexual intercourse with one another, raise their offspring together and cooperate in acquiring resources. In such cases infidelity is still very likely to take place. Genetic monogamy (the exception rather than the rule) is where two partners who only ever have offspring with each other, bond for life and never have sexual encounters outside that relationship.

The important concept of serial monogamy should also be considered. This is defined as a series of relationships, either long or short-term, spread out over the course of an individual’s life. Each relationship includes exclusive sexual relations with the person that the individual in question is involved with at that time. Most commonly serial monogamy is used when referring to human relationships. The two partners need not be married but simply engaged in a sexually monogamous relationship. Many Western cultures have begun to define serial monogamy as more fundamentally appealing and realistic than marital monogamy, which is partially responsible for making this such a controversial subject, given the fact that the excessively high divorce rates in America are certainly caused at least in part by disruptions in monogamous relationships. As divorce becomes more and more accessible, and people remarry again and again and again, they enter into a pattern of serial monogamy, or exclusive relationships with multiple partners over their lifetime.

Is the Desire for Monogamy a Myth?

That depends upon whom you speak with. It is becoming an extremely prevalent topic of social discussion, especially in the Western world with the aforementioned high divorce rates. But there is an interesting take on the subject. In their book called “The Case for Marriage”, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher showed that most college students today are “…desperate to have one and only one marriage, and they want it to be a happy one. They don’t know whether this is possible anymore.” They book also noted, through extensive research, that 93% of Americans rate having a happy marriage as one of the most important objectives in their life, and, furthermore, that married couples have a higher rate of mental health and well being as compared with individuals who have either never been married, are simply cohabitating, are divorced, or widowed.

Professor Harold Morowitz from Yale University in 1963 suggested in the Hammond Report that “divorce is as dangerous to a man’s health as picking up a pack-a-day cigarette habit”. Linda Waite of the University of Chicago suggested that perhaps condom packages should also contain a warning that not being married could be hazardous to your health. But if marriage and monogamy is so healthy and beneficial for individuals, why then are the divorce rates so high?

While we cannot necessarily wholly blame society for marital issues, it could perhaps be partially to blame. As a society, America merely pays lip service to monogamy, and while everyone claims to be desire monogamy, all one needs to do is to look at any magazine, turn on the TV, or listen to the radio to note an obsession with sex and extramarital affairs. We see them glorified in movies and on television, even respectable news media focus on extramarital dalliances of Congressmen. Americans have become accustomed to viewing sex as a means of selling both products and services.

Everywhere we look we are bombarded with images of sex, sexual allusions, Internet sites devoted to a myriad of sexual activities from pornography to couples swapping. As always, the question is one of the chicken versus the egg, is it our insatiable appetite for sex that prompts the media and advertising world, or is marketing and media simply appealing to our baser instincts to prompt certain buying behaviors or activities?

The Pros and Cons of Monogamy

There are more than just emotional benefits to having just one stable and long lasting marriage. Research has shown that marriage is very literally like a bottle of fine wine that improves as it ages. As shown in the book, “The Case for Marriage”, individuals who are married report experiencing better sex as compared with single people because they have established deep emotional connections, have developed a bond of trust that enables experimentation and a level of comfort that simple does not exist with new partners. These benefits of monogamy lead to more prolonged, satisfying and enhanced lovemaking.

In addition to the perhaps more obvious benefits of a monogamous relationship, the two individuals have the opportunity to combine resources, allowing wealth accumulation over time; clearly an advantage that the single individual cannot generally enjoy. Of course a caveat is that often such relationships yield children, which requires resources that are not a factor for many single individuals. And, of course, divorce generally means a division of such accumulated resources, and while yes, one can experience the “thrill of the hunt” while searching for a new mate, it quickly becomes clear that you are lacking the very component that defined you in your social group…your partner.

Many people will disagree on the pros and cons, and almost everyone has a different opinion of what true monogamy entails. Many would argue that our veneer of civilization is paper-thin; we are really nothing more than animals and since most animals have a biological imperative to mate with multiple partners for evolutionary purposes, it is natural that humans should do so. That said, what such individuals fail to take into account is the emotional level of attachment that monogamy brings.

Monogamy brings security in terms of financial stability as well as the emotional well being enjoyed by knowing that someone will always be there to rely upon. In general, monogamy works well for many people who remain together and work as a team throughout a large part of their lifetimes, raising children within the security of a stable family home, and creating memories, and social structures. In the end, while divorce rates continue to soar, monogamy continues to prevail and is, at least in Western society, a preferred and realistic concept, and one that is practiced by many more people than perhaps research might suggest.

Anyone who has spent any length of time on the playing field of romance may have wished for a magic button, which would allow them to instantly know whether or not the person they are speaking with is their perfect match. No one wants to go through a relationship that winds up in a painful separation, regardless of whether it is simply a short-term relationship or a marriage of many years.

There is significant heartache and shedding of tears that could be avoided if there were some way of knowing from the beginning whether the relationship will endure.

It appears that Internet dating services prey upon those fears when offering “compatibility tests” that allegedly match you with a partner who has similar goals, desires, values, likes and dislikes which will ensure compatibility in the first place. Is a relationship as simple as matching likes and dislikes, or is it something more? It has been suggested that the true strength of a relationship lies in the willingness of each partner to work through their issues. Statistically, it is physically impossible for two people to be 100% compatible; there will always need to be compromise. But is it just about the emotional and physical compatibility of the individuals in question? Or, does it go beyond that to the genetic basis of who we are?

Testing for Compatibility

The aforementioned Internet dating compatibility tests are widely recognized. Little known, however, are tests that delve into compatibility genetics. Should a person look for a partner based upon their emotional and physical characteristics or their genetic makeup?

The search for a romantic partner is one of the most challenging things humans ever face. The rewards, however, are often well worth it. While the Internet has dramatically changed the way we now conduct our search, there are still questions regarding true compatibility. There are companies who are trying to answer these questions for individuals. The Swiss company GenePartner is one of those. For $99 they offer a simple test to determine whether or not you are romantically compatible with someone based upon your genetic makeup.

According to their website, the inspiration came from research performed by Professor Dr. Wedekind at the University of Bern in Switzerland. Dr. Wedekind recruited female volunteers to sniff the tee shirts of men who wore the shirts for three consecutive days and rate them for “attractiveness”. He then analyzed the DNA on the shirts against the DNA of the women and found that the women preferred tee shirts from men whose specific molecules within the HLA were opposite, or a match with their own. Their bodies apparently responded to this physical attraction at a genetic level. In 2003, GenePartner collaborated with the Swiss Institute for Behavioral Genetics and tested a large group of individuals for HLA genes. This led them to develop a program which the HLA of two potential partners ostensibly to determine whether or not the couple is genetically compatible.

Is That Possible?

In 2007 a team of researchers led by Christine Garver-Apgar at the University of New Mexico investigated romantic chemistry, specifically looking at the cluster of genes involved in immune function to predict how sexually attracted a person is to their partner. The study claims to use these genes to determine whether or not an individual will be faithful to their mate. Their research looked at couples and determined that those who had dissimilar versions of MHC (major histocompatibility complex) have the highest level of sexual compatibility. Their research studied 48 couples that were romantically involved, ranging in age from 18 to 35. The women completed surveys at the commencement of the study, at the peak of their fertile cycle, and again at the peak of their infertile period. Their luteinizing hormone was then measured.

The findings indicated that “As the MHC similarity increases, women are more turned off toward the man sexually and more likely to be fantasizing about other men, specifically when she is at the fertile point in her cycle” according to team member Randy Thornhill. In addition, according to the surveys, women in similar MHC relationships reported more sexual activity with men outside of the relationship. According to Garver-Apgar in an interview with LiveScience, “This speaks to the possibility that women do seek sex outside of the relationship for a particular reason, and it is possibly to obtain genetic benefits, whether those are good genes or compatible genes.”

What About What I Want?

None of this research shows any conclusive evidence. In fact, most of it is simply research that attempts to categorize relationships on a chemical level. However, whether or not this is a scientifically sound approach to relationships is yet to be determined. There is no doubt that there could be some correlation between basic genetics and physical attraction, but what about the emotions of an individual? Can those be satisfied by genetics? In the end, relationships are best defined by a wide range of needs and desires not just the chemicals in the body.

Intimacy is an elusive concept for many individuals. Our culture has made intimacy synonymous with sexuality, but the true meaning of intimacy is far more complex. Intimacy is a meaningful bond between individuals that grows, changes, and evolves over time. More than a physical expression of affection or attraction, genuine intimacy involves honest communication, shared values and interests, and intellectual compatibility. There are many different forms of intimacy.

Cognitive or intellectual intimacy involves an exchange of thoughts and ideas between individuals. They may hold opinions in common or may simply enjoy lively debate when their views differ. When this type of communication occurs in an unguarded and safe manner, two individuals can develop a deep bond.

Experiential intimacy, sometimes called intimacy activity, refers to individuals engaged in mutual tasks. Their interaction may be very limited—in fact, they may not even speak—but their shared activity or goal connects them on an intimate level. Imagine, for example, two tennis players who move in mirror images of one another, each responding to the other’s movements. Even though their goals are different, their contact becomes intimate as their actions fall into sync.

Emotional intimacy is an important component of any close relationship. When two individuals can share feelings freely, express compassion for each other’s emotions, and are in tune with each other’s emotional state, these individuals are involved in an intimate relationship.

Intimacy and Relationships

Any close relationship involves some type of intimacy. Most commonly, intimate bonds form between individuals who share goals, spend a great deal of time together, or who have a sense of concern or responsibility for one another. These bonds can form between romantic partners, family members, friends, co-workers, and parent and child.

Regardless of the kind of relationship individuals are involved in, the same principles of intimacy apply. Each individual must:

* Let down his or her guard in order to be vulnerable and open.
* Feel a sense of closeness and bonding with another.
* Feel unified and connected to another.
* Realize genuine compassion and affection from another.
* Be able to share private thoughts or feelings.
* Be able to give and receive generosity.
* Feel safe and unthreatened.
* Share mutual respect and recognition of another’s worth.

The Importance of Intimacy

Not only does intimacy make our most important relationships more meaningful, but it also has personal benefits as well. Studies have shown that individuals that have intimate bonds with others are less likely to get sick or seriously ill, have lower stress levels, are able to heal more completely from childhood wounds, and live longer than those who are solitary.

A Duke University study looked at the link between serious illness and intimacy. Of the research subjects with heart disease, 50 percent who were single died within five years of their initial study evaluation while only 18 percent of those who reported being in close, intimate relationships passed away during that same period.

Intimacy has also been proven to positively impact career, academic performance, family life, marriage, overall happiness, and health.

Intimacy as Contrasted to Sex

The most recognizable form of intimacy is sexual intimacy. This physical intimacy is the stereotypical ideal that many of us have come to associate with closeness and personal connection. However, intimacy is much more than mere sexual contact. Simply because two individuals are joined in a sexual relationship does not mean that they are involved in an intimate relationship. True intimacy is any form of caring, sensual expression and can therefore mean different things at different times: hugging, holding hands, kissing, massage, or simply being physically close to one another.

For many couples, sexuality has become a replacement for intimacy. Sex in and of itself is merely a physical act; sexual intimacy involves the added element of emotional closeness. It is impossible to fulfill a desire for intimacy by using sex alone. Vulnerability, concern, and sharing must also be included to satisfy our need for connection.

If the emotional aspect of sex is absent from a relationship, the following issues are likely to occur:

* Fear of intercourse
* Fear of impotency or other physical impediments to a satisfying sexual experience
* Unwillingness to be sexually creative or explorative
* Embarrassment
* Poor body image
* Lack of adequate sexual education
* Hostile, precarious sexual environment

Communication is essential to a fulfilling sexual experience and genuine communication can only come through mutual openness, honesty and understanding. For rewarding sexual intimacy, both partners must develop an ability to trust and confide in one another. Once this emotional connection has been established, the physical pleasure of sex becomes more intense and satisfying.

The Breakdown of Intimacy

All too often, individuals place barriers in the way of achieving authentic intimacy. Whether motivated by fear, immaturity, or basic ignorance, these obstacles prevent individuals from realizing the full benefits of deep interpersonal bonding.

When an individual enters into a relationship with unrealistic expectations and is unable (or unwilling) to adjust those perceptions in order to accommodate his or her partner, communication quickly breaks down and intimacy is impeded. Sincere intimacy takes time to mature. If one or both partners are not willing to devote sufficient time to nurture the relationship then intimacy can never grow.

A strong sense of self is important in an intimate relationship. Without this self-awareness, it becomes easy to lose oneself in another individual and the bonds that subsequently form are disingenuous.

Intimacy requires confidence and maturity. Individuals who are overly timid, who carry with them into a new relationship every past hurt or slight inflicted by a former partner, or are only interested in playing games will find it difficult to develop lasting intimacy.

Family therapist Lori H. Gordon even goes so far as to say that our culture has helped cause the breakdown of intimacy in our relationships. “Unlike more ‘primitive’ cultures, most Americans no longer live as part of a large family or community where we develop a sense of comfort and safety, a network of people to confide in, to feel at home with, ” says Gordon. “Our culture provides for meeting all other needs, especially the need for autonomy, but not for intimacy.”

Further supporting this argument for the cultural impact on intimacy is the broad shift in our society’s general views about what makes life worthwhile. For generations individuals sought meaning in work, service to others, and faith with the promise of rewards in the afterlife. Today, fewer individuals hold these same traditional values and instead look for immediate, tangible happiness in this life. This sense of urgency has put a strain on our ability to develop enduring intimacy. Moreover, Gordon claims that the strides toward equality between men and women that have been made over the last three or four decades have also impacted the quality of intimacy in couples. “Couples today are struggling with something new—to build relationships based on genuine feelings of equality,” says Gordon. “As a result, we are without role models for the very relationships we need.”

Strategies for Improving Intimacy

To improve intimacy in our most important relationships we must first identify the source of any impediments we place in our path to deep personal connections. Most of these obstacles have origins in childhood or family history. For example, a child who grows up learning that it is wrong to cry may have a hard time opening up emotionally when he reaches adulthood, while a child who is never allowed to express anger may suppress her feelings in adulthood. Barriers like these keep us from developing real intimacy.

Past relationships can also damage our perception of intimacy. We must learn to release old injuries, fears, betrayals, and abuses in order to fully open ourselves to the fulfillment of genuine bonding.

Once both partners have done the work involved in identifying and removing the hindrances blocking their path to intimacy, there are several strategies that can help build trust, improve communication, and foster close, intimate connections. Several family therapists and relationship experts recommend a daily “temperature-taking” exercise that helps couples gauge the status of their relationship and inform each other about feelings, both the apparently significant and the seemingly trivial.

Sit face-to-face, holding each other’s hands. The simple act of gentle physical contact can create a warm, welcoming atmosphere that makes the rest of the exercise that much more effective.

Start with appreciation. Each partner should take a turn voicing gratitude for something—anything, no matter how inconsequential—the other has done, and expressing genuine appreciation for it.

Share new information. Without information we tend to make assumptions. Often these assumptions are false and lead to fear, insecurity, and unfair accusations. Each partner should disclose something of substance to the other partner (“My new boss is really making things difficult at work” or “The children have been so wonderful about doing their chores lately”) to keep the lines of communication open and to provide insight into their thoughts, mood, and feelings.

Work as a team to resolve issues. This is an opportunity to ask a question or gain insight without judgment or defensive posturing. Each partner should ask a question of the other (“Why were you so angry this morning?”) or take aim at self-assessment (“I don’t understand why I felt so sad yesterday.”) This portion of the exercise is not necessarily about finding answers, but rather an attempt for both partners to share information with each other and benefit from the other’s perspective.

Complain and request change. Couples are often afraid to voice grievances unless it is during the course of an argument. In the calm, supportive environment of this exercise, each partner should mention a specific action of the other’s that is troublesome and requests a reasonable alternative: “If you’re running late, please call. That way I can get feed the children and won’t have to wait for you.”

Share hopes and dreams. This is a vital—and often overlooked—part of any intimate relationship. Telling each other our hopes and dreams is the most important way we can realize those goals. Partners should tell each other something they hope for, from the routine (“I hope we have good weather for our hike tomorrow”) to the extraordinary (“I would love to sail around the world with you”).

While these communication exercises may seem forced, stilted or uncomfortable at first, over time a couple will create a style all their own and will learn how to listen to one another openly and without judgment.

Addressing Conflict

Conflict is part of any relationship, but how we learn to deal with it is crucial for the development and longevity of intimacy. This next bonding exercise teaches couples to let go of the past while looking toward the future. When one partner is feeling anxious or tense, lie down together sideways and face the same direction, holding one another. The anxious partner should calmly reveal something the other does that triggers an intense emotional response. It could be that he does not perform a chose when asked, or that she is constantly dismissive. Express these complaints simply and non-confrontationally: “When you interrupt me, it makes me really upset.” If possible, make the connection to a past experience that connects to this reaction. Perhaps his not taking out the trash is infuriating because a former partner never helped with household chores; maybe her indifference is upsetting because a parent was emotionally distant.

The next step is to share insight into how a change in the past would have helped. What was needed back then? What should have happened? What would have been helpful to hear? Now it is the other partner’s turn to say those very words in his or her own way: “I’m sorry you were taken for granted back then,” or “I wish I had been there for you when you were young.”

Then it is time to assess the cost of these past hurts on the current relationship. How is this emotional baggage hindering intimacy? Consider the ways the pain might be dealt with: lying, suppressed feelings, withdrawal, overcompensation, retribution.

Finally, it is important to look to the future of the relationship. Identify ways to neutralize the triggers or resolve perceived slights more productively. When both partners participate in this type of problem-solving it creates a more nurturing environment, where each individual feels valued, acknowledged, and supported. These are the essential building blocks for lasting, gratifying intimacy.