Is Monogamy a Realistic Concept?

One in a Million?

Monogamy has not traditionally been a topic discussed at length around the dinner table; polygamy is regarded as being a far more interesting topic, as it is regarded in the West as being rather unusual, if not unsavory, behavior, and, of course, illegal. The word monogamy is defined as the state of being where an individual is involved with only one sexual partner at any given time, either within a marriage or just a loving relationship. In modern times the word is perhaps understood to mean specifically, marital monogamy – having only one wife or husband at a time.

There are two main forms of monogamy: social monogamy and genetic monogamy. Social monogamy relates to any two individuals or creatures that live together, have sexual intercourse with one another, raise their offspring together and cooperate in acquiring resources. In such cases infidelity is still very likely to take place. Genetic monogamy (the exception rather than the rule) is where two partners who only ever have offspring with each other, bond for life and never have sexual encounters outside that relationship.

The important concept of serial monogamy should also be considered. This is defined as a series of relationships, either long or short-term, spread out over the course of an individual’s life. Each relationship includes exclusive sexual relations with the person that the individual in question is involved with at that time. Most commonly serial monogamy is used when referring to human relationships. The two partners need not be married but simply engaged in a sexually monogamous relationship. Many Western cultures have begun to define serial monogamy as more fundamentally appealing and realistic than marital monogamy, which is partially responsible for making this such a controversial subject, given the fact that the excessively high divorce rates in America are certainly caused at least in part by disruptions in monogamous relationships. As divorce becomes more and more accessible, and people remarry again and again and again, they enter into a pattern of serial monogamy, or exclusive relationships with multiple partners over their lifetime.

Is the Desire for Monogamy a Myth?

That depends upon whom you speak with. It is becoming an extremely prevalent topic of social discussion, especially in the Western world with the aforementioned high divorce rates. But there is an interesting take on the subject. In their book called “The Case for Marriage”, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher showed that most college students today are “…desperate to have one and only one marriage, and they want it to be a happy one. They don’t know whether this is possible anymore.” They book also noted, through extensive research, that 93% of Americans rate having a happy marriage as one of the most important objectives in their life, and, furthermore, that married couples have a higher rate of mental health and well being as compared with individuals who have either never been married, are simply cohabitating, are divorced, or widowed.

Professor Harold Morowitz from Yale University in 1963 suggested in the Hammond Report that “divorce is as dangerous to a man’s health as picking up a pack-a-day cigarette habit”. Linda Waite of the University of Chicago suggested that perhaps condom packages should also contain a warning that not being married could be hazardous to your health. But if marriage and monogamy is so healthy and beneficial for individuals, why then are the divorce rates so high?

While we cannot necessarily wholly blame society for marital issues, it could perhaps be partially to blame. As a society, America merely pays lip service to monogamy, and while everyone claims to be desire monogamy, all one needs to do is to look at any magazine, turn on the TV, or listen to the radio to note an obsession with sex and extramarital affairs. We see them glorified in movies and on television, even respectable news media focus on extramarital dalliances of Congressmen. Americans have become accustomed to viewing sex as a means of selling both products and services.

Everywhere we look we are bombarded with images of sex, sexual allusions, Internet sites devoted to a myriad of sexual activities from pornography to couples swapping. As always, the question is one of the chicken versus the egg, is it our insatiable appetite for sex that prompts the media and advertising world, or is marketing and media simply appealing to our baser instincts to prompt certain buying behaviors or activities?

The Pros and Cons of Monogamy

There are more than just emotional benefits to having just one stable and long lasting marriage. Research has shown that marriage is very literally like a bottle of fine wine that improves as it ages. As shown in the book, “The Case for Marriage”, individuals who are married report experiencing better sex as compared with single people because they have established deep emotional connections, have developed a bond of trust that enables experimentation and a level of comfort that simple does not exist with new partners. These benefits of monogamy lead to more prolonged, satisfying and enhanced lovemaking.

In addition to the perhaps more obvious benefits of a monogamous relationship, the two individuals have the opportunity to combine resources, allowing wealth accumulation over time; clearly an advantage that the single individual cannot generally enjoy. Of course a caveat is that often such relationships yield children, which requires resources that are not a factor for many single individuals. And, of course, divorce generally means a division of such accumulated resources, and while yes, one can experience the “thrill of the hunt” while searching for a new mate, it quickly becomes clear that you are lacking the very component that defined you in your social group…your partner.

Many people will disagree on the pros and cons, and almost everyone has a different opinion of what true monogamy entails. Many would argue that our veneer of civilization is paper-thin; we are really nothing more than animals and since most animals have a biological imperative to mate with multiple partners for evolutionary purposes, it is natural that humans should do so. That said, what such individuals fail to take into account is the emotional level of attachment that monogamy brings.

Monogamy brings security in terms of financial stability as well as the emotional well being enjoyed by knowing that someone will always be there to rely upon. In general, monogamy works well for many people who remain together and work as a team throughout a large part of their lifetimes, raising children within the security of a stable family home, and creating memories, and social structures. In the end, while divorce rates continue to soar, monogamy continues to prevail and is, at least in Western society, a preferred and realistic concept, and one that is practiced by many more people than perhaps research might suggest.

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